Cocky or Confident

Living in Portugual, I find myself stammering through regular everyday conversations because I have a bad habit of directly translating words in English (my 1st language) to Portugese (my distant, 2nd language). There are a number of ways that I get things wrong. Comical and complicated; I am going to try and explain the 'in front' and 'behind' predicament. Whether it is in sentence structure or objects or even directions, the confusion is REAL...

Let's use the phrase, 'Apple, pear and banana'. If I tell you, in either language, that the apple is first and the banana is last, everyone would agree. BUT if I asked a european to put an 'orange' in front, here is what they would write: Apple, pear, banana and orange 🤯

This particular part of the language barrier gets me into the most trouble. I could be writting an email or putting a box away and someone says to me that it goes 'in front' of something and automatically I do the opposite of what they ask 😬. I spoke with my co-worker and he said 'in front' pertains to the next item in the row which is why the object goes on the end (putting it in front of the proverbial next item). If you are confused, I don’t blame you. When I explained my understanding being that the reference is the sentence itself and since we read from left to right, in front of the sentence would be the first position and behind would be the end of the sentence. 20 minutes later, we had to agree to disagree. I live here now so I must adjust by doing the exact opposite of what I have been raised to do 🤪

My uncertainty and inability to communicate at the level I would like, makes me very self-conscience but I am far from embarassed. I put myself out there, I fumble and when I get completely stumped; I will call in for reinforcements (my aunt and uncle who know me well enough to know what I am 'trying to say'). A running joke with my uncle is him telling me, in the sweetest possible way, to 'talk less' 😂. I remember once, trying to say 'nice tan' to my uncle's sister who had been to the beach that day and I said something loosely translated like, 'oh! you look all chestnut-ed' that was the day I learned the word for tan in portuguese🤦🏻‍♀️. Most people like my accent, accent is pronounced 'STAACK', and initially I thought they were complimenting my 'STOCK' which had me taking inventory of my curves and wobbly-bits. There is a saying they use as a type of joke, directly translated it would be '...but you live far'. First time I heard it was in the form of a compliment - a friend said 'you are smart, quick thinking… but you live far'. My reaction, because I didn't know it was a saying, I replied 'not that far, it's only the village of Santana' 🫠.

For these reasons and many many MANY more, I feel misunderstood. I am very grateful that the majority of the people I have met are welcoming, warm and interested in what I have to say but I am unsure if I will ever be truly acknowledged, the way I was in North America. This makes me think that most immigrants have these same issues. I am newly apathetic to anyone who lives in a new place trying to learn languages and customs, making friends and working.

Another aspect lost in traslation is self-deprecation, sarcasm and/or conversational politeness. In english, I can say things about my capabilities or lack thereof and my selective wording or inflection will invite understanding, compassion or even mutual vulnerability (some would even call it charming). Switch those same phrases to portuguese and all of a sudden I get comments like, 'why are you so unsure of yourself?' ‘You need more confidence.’

I am often told to NOT say things like, 'I don't know', even if it is true, appearently it is improper and looked down upon. The last thing I want is to be THAT person, coming from Canada or the US, and thinking I know more or seemingly better than anyone else. Which is why I get stuck between confidence and being cocky. It's possible that my definition of 'cocky' might be respectable here and my idea of 'charming' is pitiful 😅

I might have to fake it till I make it.

I know EXACTLY what I am doing