A Little Awkward

Desire and pleasure are two things I do not communicate well.

I have written and re-written that statement a million times to try and hide the ugliness of it but it is what it is. I overcompensate with all other parts of my life, keeping things together, taking care of others, and staying organized. I'm closing in on 34 years and it's still not easy to articulate my needs and wants when it comes to intimacy and sex. My late teens and early twenties were the most confusing times. Other people would describe their experiences and I didn't understand or feel the same. My earlier relationships suffered because I couldn't bring my mind to connect with my body. In my mid-twenties I was able to shut off my brain and start enjoying myself. Now, I feel like I am in a good place but I still can't put words to my thoughts. I have a happy, healthy, secure marriage with a man who desires me no matter what but I fail to share with him how I wish to be pleasured. Things are getting steamy now people, I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable but remember, this is MY journal. If you want to stop reading I suggest you move onto a different post.

My issues with sex and shame over my body, are reflective of the way I was raised and being sexually molested as a child. I speak freely because the people who hurt me no longer have the power. Those instances shaped my view of sex, body image and pleasure. It has taken so much time for me to distance the memory from the act. Even with that background, I struggled with wanting to be wanted. Imagine wishing for something, getting it, and not being able to receive it. That's the history behind why I am delayed in the intimacy department.

I have to say again, that I am so grateful for the man who sleeps beside me every night. He chooses me even when I don't choose myself. I have dreams that are very vivid like a fantasy, they feel real and my emotions are completely present. These fantasies sometimes linger and I get a moment where I think, all I have to do is tell my husband what the dream was about (which would make for a fun conversation if not an experiment) but I can't bring myself to say it. I clam up, I hear myself in my head and I back down. Maybe I need more help than I thought. Maybe I need a sex therapist. If you have watched 'Private Practice' than you'll agree with me - I could use a little Charlotte King - she would understand. I am not talking about fetishes or being kinky. I'm talking about the basics. The things that 90% of the sexually active population is able to talk about with their partner. Not being able to describe the experience or talk through the act is my problem. I can talk, anyone who has ever met me, knows I can talk but not about this. I can't tell yet if sharing this part of me openly is going to help or cause more anxiety so don't be surprised if this post disappears - we'll see how I feel.