Happy Existence

It took a long time for me to like myself. It’s hard to find your worth when you don’t feel wanted or loved. My attitude and self-acceptance came with age and knowledge. I started to see the world and its possibilities. I decided to meet strangers and see potential friendship. I faced hardships and chose to learn from the experience.

If I was to create a road map to a 'Happy Existence' it would start with Perspective...

Without Perspective, you can't have Understanding.

Without Understanding, you won't find Honesty.

Without Honesty, there can't be Forgiveness.

Without Forgiveness, you’ll never reach Peace.

I didn't just survive a shitty upbringing with neglectful parents, I persevered. I built my own network of love from the bottom up. My mind is scrambled with ideas and half of them are thoughts and plans that I create to make my presence known in the lives of others. That statement may sound conceded or self-righteous but it is the truth. I chase the dream of never being left behind. I don't need to be the center of attention; in fact, I don't like when the focus is on me but I am afraid of being useless or irrelevant. Having parents physically exist is not the same as being an actual parent.

I am grateful for many fleeting happy moments; those are the memories that bring a smile and tenderness to the past. If only the scales had been a little more balanced between the good and the bad. Unfortunately, the years are piling onto one another and I can feel the shift in my mindset. The piece of the pie that held resentment and pain is being eaten away by sadness and longing. I said Perspective was first but I take that back. Communication is Number One, without Communication, how can you gain true Perspective of a situation?

I haven't talked to my mom since the letter I wrote her back at Christmas 2018, it had a return address, allowing for a response that never came. I haven't spoken to my dad since he told me to stay out of his business and to leave him alone, over a month ago. I'm not entirely sure why I felt the need to write all of this down; maybe it's because Father's Day is coming up or because I posted a challenge to have my Facebook friends tag themselves with their relationship to me or maybe I'm settling in as a mother and I cannot fathom a world where my son didn't feel wanted and loved.

#presenceandeffort