if this... than that...

The counting started when I was five. When I couldn't sleep, I would stare at the red block numbers on the alarm clock and count the ticks that made up each individual number. The number '1' was made up of two ticks, the number '2' and the number '5' were the same, just mirrored; five ticks each. I liked the number '5' because the ticks represented the number itself. I remember this obsession evolving to bargaining. I would think, if the minute changes before I finish counting the time on the display, than THIS is going to happen. I couldn't say for certain, how long this went on, but my guess is until the age of thirteen. That's the age I left my mother's home AND it was her alarm clock so it stayed behind.

I continued the game into my teen years using different sources. I would guess the number of stairs before climbing them and I would wish for something; if there are 18 steps than Tyler does love me. Tyler did love me but not romantically (I never had the right plumbing). I used to walk to and from school and as I would approach a cross-walk I would bet on something. If that light is green by the time I get there than I will win the Portuguese Club beauty pageant. I came in second place, to my best friend Tracy (she is really pretty). Since I had trained my thoughts to work in this way, it is no surprise that I relied on this method even when things were dangerous. I remember praying, actually saying the Lord's prayer, in the back seat of the family van when my dad would drink and drive. I would think, if I can say the Our Father three times before we get to Franklin Blvd than we will make it home safe. There was only one accident where my younger brother and myself were in the car (I couldn't pray fast enough that time). It calmed me to think that I might have some control over each situation. It also gave me a sense of accomplishment, as if I did all that I could - count, pray, bargain, bet - even if what I was doing had no bearing on the outcome whatsoever.

I still count, I can't help myself. And I still bargain but now its a little more realistic, like when I tell my husband, you feed the dog and I'll start dinner. The funny thing is, I used to see people in the movies pulling peddles off of flowers saying things like 'he loves me/he loves me not', and I thought that was just plain silly. Same with flipping a coin, those are 50/50 chance scenarios. At least Rock, Paper, Scissors has an added element but you can’t play that game when you’re all alone (unless you’re super skilled). I believed the best wins were random, using timing and numbers. These were my coping mechanisms and I think I turned out alright 😉