Our Dead

There are a number of practical things taught in school like math, english, woodworking, and geography but dealing with grief, loss, death and emotional turmoil isn't part of the curriculum. As we get older, two things become abundantly clear... 1.We are all going to die and 2.The longer you live, the more loss you will experience. I am not an expert, none of my opinions are founded on medical or scientific knowledge. I can only say how I feel and the truth is, I am very aware of my own mortality. I talk about it often and I plan around it. When I am gone, I want to leave behind as many positive memories as I can. I want the people closest to me to mourn very little and move forward with 100% certainty of my love for them.

This year is far from over and the health crisis we are currently living doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon. I never thought I would say this but I am grateful for the funerals and memorials we had before the world shutdown for COVID-19. The death of my dad's best friend, Tio Antonio Fernandes, a man I respected and loved, received a proper funeral. The untimely, tragic and confusing death of my husband's Cousin Brian Correia, hit us all like a ton of bricks. The only thing we wanted to do was gather. Friends and family listening to stories, looking at pictures, sharing memories and crying together. I am heartbroken by these deaths but I am so glad we had that chance, those precious moments to share our grief and console one another in person.

So far, in 2020, we have marked another year without Maxwell Taylor, another year without Uncle Frank Braga, another year without Cousin Lina Braga, and another year without Diana Gillam (a soul I never met but mourn with her family who are now my family). On the annual reminder of these losses, with many more in the months ahead, I take a minute to remember them. I do something in my day to honor them. In a few short weeks we will be facing another year without my nephew, Terry DaCosta. His passing sits bitterly with his family members. A preventable circumstance and a young soul gone too soon. I believe in an afterlife so I find comfort in knowing their presence is still felt.

To memorialize our dead, I like to celebrate their birthday's. I try to make it a big deal for Kevin's dad, Anthony, whom I never got the chance to meet. We buy a treat that reflects what Anthony would have enjoyed. We talk about him and I gain a greater sense of the man he was when he was here. For Max, its Valentine's Day, a holiday I never acknowledged until I met that sweet boy. Now its Monster Trucks, Super Hero's or Minion cakes, anything to celebrate the life that he lived.

My most difficult loss was the grandmother who raised me. Her name was Emilia Braga and she had bone cancer as well as Alzheimer's Disease. Prior to her death, I had been to visit her a handful of times and it was painful to see her slowly losing her mind. During my last visit, she held my hand, pointing my fingers downward and tapping the tips of my nails on the edge of her chair. She did this for a long time, without speaking a word. Then she startled me and called out for my grandfather, asking him to turn off the stove and apologizing for leaving it on. We were sitting in her bedroom at a nursing home; there was no kitchen and no stove. I regret not going to see her more or telling her how important she was to me. If I am being completely honest with myself, I didn't recognize her true value until I was in my 20's. I still feel her spirit (I've never told anyone that before) but there is an energy that surrounds me sometimes. No signals or reminders of her, just an all consuming feeling that she is with me.

Do what is right for you when someone you love passes away. Be supportive and non-judgmental while those around you are mourning. Face death head on, don't let it blindside you, and allow your grief to become apart of living.

I think we all hold on so tight for fear of forgetting. Moving forward doesn't have to mean moving on. I am happy to be alive and I plan to cherish the time I am given on this earth.

I love you - whoever you are - thank you for reading my message ❤