Q-Tips and ketchup

Soooo I don’t talk to my mother. Beatrice should never have been a mother. She taught me that coke-a-cola is a food group, that toothpicks AND Q-tips (when you remove the cotton swab end) can be used to make your ears bleed, spaghetti can be made with ketchup instead of tomato sauce and Young & The Restless is the only reason the TV should be on. (I wonder how old the episode is where Sheila sets the fire?) I am sighing audibly right now because it is exhausting to put Beatrice’s parenting practices into words. There’s a common saying between my siblings and I, ‘Dad’s an alcoholic and he was the better parent’. There are five of us, same mother and same presumed father. The oldest and the youngest siblings are 16 years apart; three boys and two girls. I was born because my mom wanted a new dining room set (it was very ugly). My younger brother was born because she wanted a mini-van (it was blue). Her first priority is herself so there has to be a payoff. She would be the perfect candidate for someone’s psychology thesis or the lead character of a horror film; either one works as long as there’s a paycheck or a piece of furniture.