The Pact

Just before Christmas I was working really hard on eating healthy and exercising. I had reached a comfortable weight of 160lbs, still 20lbs heavier than my goal, but I was happy with the progress. Since I am an emotional eater and a control freak, I let the last few months wreak havoc on my routine. I have climbed back up to 175lbs which was my weight on Saturday April 25th, 2020. The yo-yo effect of my body weight is not good for my health or my self-esteem.

I made a pact with Jon, Erika and Kevin. We all have goals and we are going to do it together. I am making one big change effective immediately; I will not weigh myself everyday. Each time I have taken on a challenge to change my diet and increase my workouts, I have always checked the scale every morning trying to track my progress even if it was 0.25 of a pound. I thought of it as motivation, the morning weigh-in gave me a number that stuck in my head all day, through all my temptations. This is NOT the right approach. I am going to take Jon's advice, and check my weight in 6 weeks. He explained how long it takes for our bodies to 're-program' themselves. I am writing all of this down for the same reason that I committed to this Pact with 3 other people; accountability. If I fall off the wagon, I will have to face the consequence which is basically me failing myself. The final number on the scale shouldn't matter and I get hung up on that. I avoid talking about my weight, just like some people avoid mentioning their age. I will not hide behind that fear, it's silly, we all have things we want to change about our appearance and its usually a personal preference, not so much for anyone else.

I'm not sure if I'm alone in this but I've spoken briefly in another blog post about my intimacy issues. I know for a fact that my idea of sexy, when it comes to my own body, is different from what my husband sees. For this reason, I am the hindrance to a fuller sex life. I have to get out of my own head and stop judging myself. I don't like my body so when he playfully touches me I swat him away. We laugh about it but I know its weird. I know its because I don't believe him when he says I'm attractive. I have a lot to work on, not just my health and weight goals. The sad thing is, I don't remember ever feeling good about my body - not even when I was 18 and 120lbs. This tells me that there are underlying issues that weight loss alone will not fix. ❤